Dear Polly, Is it possible for someone to have commitmentphobia while simultaneously professing enthusiasm for commitment — all while not doing much about commitment, either way? For the past year and a half I’ve been dating a man in his early 40s. Most of our friends are married, cohabitating, have kids, have houses. I have never pushed on these issues, mostly because I don’t feel the need: I have a career I like, friends and family and hobbies I love, a nice place to live, the ability to pay my own bills.My life is full and rich, and this great, smart, caring guy I began dating, after a year-long period of close friendship, simply made it fuller and richer.
Turns out, planning for a joint future feels doable when you are with someone who seems invested in it, and who is a good person, and who has an excellent book and record collection. I’ve tried to have conversations about, say, moving in together, and a panicky look crosses his face. I get it, commitment is scary, but if it is so scary, why the house listings?
Why give me a gardening book as a present, when I live in a Manhattan condo?
If you've been together for only four or five months, it's too soon to detail what kind of ring you lust after.
At this point, you're still getting to know each other, and it may weird him out.
The goal is for those changes to happen in an organic fashion, but an ultimatum is more about forcing someone's hand.